Faux News Bans Beaver Pervert from Super Bowl

February 2, 2008

Punxsutawney Phil Predicts Six More Weeks of Winter on Groundhog Day

Faux News has determined that the beaver — even in an electronically animated rendition — is a politically incorrect animal, and banned his use in a GoDaddy commercial which was to air during tomorrow’s Super Bowl XLII football extravaganza in Glendale, Arizona. In other rodent news, his cousin, the groundhog Punxsutawney Phil, predicted six more weeks of winter today at Gobbler’s Knob in Punxsutawney, PA, in the 122nd Groundhog Day celebration. For those who must know these things, Groundhog Day is thought to stem from a German superstition and is held on Candlemas, a Christian holiday when candles are lit for the Feast of the Purification of the Virgin Mary.

NASCAR Driver Danica Patrick

While the groundhog’s association with Christianity will no doubt protect him from evildoers, the beaver is a pervert and must be closely monitored, lest he be seduced by NASCAR driver Danica Patrick. Fox News refused Go Daddy’s “Exposure” Super Bowl spot because, according to Go Daddy founder Bob Parsons: “We called actual beavers, ‘beavers!’ In refusing the ad, Fox informed us that if we referred to the furry, dam-building rodents or beavers by something other than ‘beavers,’ the ad would be approved…This is America; I should be able to call a beaver a ‘beaver.’ ”


In a 14 January blog post at GoDaddy, Parsons said: “When I was a kid in the late fifties, I remember watching Barbara Billingsley say to Hugh Beaumont: ‘Ward, don’t you think you’ve been too hard on the Beaver?’ I’m talking -– of course -– about the long-running hit TV show ‘Leave it to Beaver’ starring Jerry Mathers as a little boy nicknamed ‘Beaver.’ Today, with our knotty ‘need to be politically correct’ environment, that show — as innocent and innocuous as it was — might need a different name.”

Bob Parsons, GoDaddy Founder

Finally, on his 11th and 12th tries, Parsons got the thought police Fox to approve two alternate ads, one of them being his “Spot On” commercial. Parsons added a “viewer discretion advised” warning to the ad — along with information about how to see the banned beaver ad at his website. Parsons commented that the warning on the “Spot On” ad are words “usually reserved for certain movie previews and television programs. The fact that our Super Bowl Ad carries this warning is not us playing around. We added the warning to accommodate Fox’s Standards and Practices group. We believe that this is a first for any Super Bowl commercial. My mother will be so proud.”

The Lurid Backside of a Canadian Nickel

You can see the banned beaver at GoDaddy, starting tomorrow during the Super Bowl. You can also see the misunderstood beaver on the back of any Canadian nickel; it’s the national animal of Canada. We know the Canadians are un-American, but someone needs to alert Fox to put a stop to the Boy Scouts’ Beaver Patrol. Oregon, known as “The Beaver State,” should be removed from the United States. The beaver should also be banned from the Oregon flag and the New York City coat of arms. And shame on Nickelodeon for its 1997 “Angry Beavers” cartoon and a pox on “The Beaver,” a Canadian history magazine. What kind of perversions are going on at the Beaver Country Day School in Chestnut Hill, Massachusetts? And…horrors! All of the towns named Beaver in Alaska, Arkansas, Iowa, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Utah, Washington and West Virginia need to be done away with, immediately. The list of threats to our American way of life grows.

Read more Super Bowl news.

Photo credits: AP Photo/Keith Srakocic and GoDaddy.com

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